Gay Marriage and Unspeakable Filth in the Holy Word of God

Given that a large number of morons in California have just elected to go down in history as bigots who re-legalized discrimination, I thought it might be time for us all to turn to the Bible. Surely, no matter what creed one might profess, we can all agree that marriage is best defined by the infallible Christian word of God. So here is a brief anthology of Bible Heroes and Their Traditional Marriages.

Hebrew Bible (Old Testament):

Adam and Eve: Did you notice that she is not named Steve? This guy did. Often cited as the perfection of God’s plan for strong families, Adam and Eve lived together for almost a thousand years without ever officially getting married. In addition to raising a son who killed his own brother, this couple notably caused the fall of man. They worked as organic farmers and did not believe in Christ or democracy.

Noah: God’s mulligan, Noah had a more traditional marriage, though he also invented “passing out drunk” and cursed his own grandson into slavery. Fun fact: White people used this to justify African slavery for over a hundred years.

Abraham: His wife Sarah convinced him to bone his maid so he’d have a son, which worked, and, according to tradition, originated the conflict between Jews and Arabs. They proved that the family that prays together sends one son into the desert to die and attempts to sacrifice the other on an altar. Abraham also liked to pretend that his wife was his sister.

Isaac: Never really got his act together after his dad tried to kill him. His dad later sent a servant to go pick out a wife for him from his cousins, and Isaac married her at age 40. His sons hated each other.

Jacob: Met his wife in a land he fled to after stealing his brother’s inheritance by conning his blind father. His father-in-law pulled a fast one on him by slipping him the wrong daughter in the wedding, which Jacob didn’t even notice until the next day, so Jacob compromised by marrying both of them and having sex with sisters for the rest of their lives.

Moses: May or may not have had two wives, depending on whether you consider Zipporah from Midian and Unnamed Woman from Cush to be the same person.

Deborah: A strong working woman who may or may not have been married. Involved in some potential sexual intrigue.

Samson: Seems to have been sleeping with a woman who was not his wife, at least until she handed him over to be killed by the government.

Ruth: Married her relative in a weird economic transaction involving the exchange of a farm and a sandal removal ceremony.

Samuel: Bachelor.

King David: Multiple wives. Possible gay relationship for most of his youth. Once spied on a woman bathing and decided to sleep with her, but she was having none of it, so he sent her husband to be killed on the front lines in a war and married her. He felt bad about it, but he kept having sex with her. His son famously tried to kill him and usurp the throne, but David killed him first.

King Solomon: Multiple wives. By adopting their religions he helped cause the downfall of an entire nation. His son was a terrible king.

King Ahab: A horrible villain who killed indiscriminately, his marriage with Jezebel is arguably the strongest “one man, one woman” marriage in the Bible.

Elijah: Bachelor.

Elisha: Bachelor.

Jeremiah: Bachelor.

Esther: At the urging of her uncle, made herself look nice so the Persian king would add her to his harem. It worked. Strong hints that she used sex to get favors, although, to be fair, they were pretty good favors.

Ezra: Wrote a long screed against inter-religious (and, by implication, inter-ethnic) marriages.

Hosea: Married a prostitute. God told him to do this.

New Testament:

Mary and Joseph: Technically she got pregnant before they were married, but whatever, I’ll spot you this one.

Jesus: Bachelor. The only time he really mentioned marriage he mainly talked about how in paradise there is none, and on earth it seems fine for a brother to have to marry his sister-in-law if her husband dies.

Peter: Bachelor. Spent a lot of time hanging out at the docks.

Every other disciple: Marriage not mentioned; presumably bachelors for most of their discipling careers.

Paul: Said you shouldn’t get married unless you’re too much of a pansy to resist sexual urges. A big fan of women submitting to their husbands, though.

That’s about it. It seems we have a lot to learn in this country, but this much is clear: We cannot rest until the Constitution defines marriage as “something to avoid if possible, but, if you have to do it, between a man and one or more women, potentially sisters but at least your cousins, and preferably submissive Jews, and you have to marry your brother’s wife if he dies”. We should at least be able to get this on the ballot in Texas.