the speech that could have saved William Henry Harrison

(In 1841, William Henry Harrison gave the longest ever Inauguration speech, at 8,500 words. He died of pneumonia one month later- and popular folklore suggests that it was this 2 hour speech, delivered in the freezing rain, that did him in. The following is a line-by-line paraphrase of Harrison's speech, 1,350 words long.)

I’m coming out of retirement to be your President. Here’s what I think about that.

Back in Rome, they used to say that guys never did what they said they would, after they were elected. Ain’t it the truth?

You voted for me, so technically your work here is done. But you’re probably curious about what I’m gonna do as President. Maybe you’re cynical about if I’ll actually do what I say. There’s no point in worrying. Only time will tell whether I live up to this speech, or if I’m remembered as a liar and failure.

My job is to do the best I can for as many of you as I can. Our country is unique because of the limits our Constitution puts on power. For instance, there are certain rights that the Government can never take from the people. This reminds me of Rome and Athens- as in, we’re better. So far, our limited Government has worked pretty darn well. That said, there are occasional disagreements about what the branches of government, usually Congress, are actually supposed to do.
These disagreements arise because the Constitution is ambiguous, not because anyone is power hungry or sinister. What scares me is that one government branch might take too much power from the other branches. And people don’t seem to know or care about that risk.

Back when the Constitution was written, a lot of people were concerned about all the powers granted to the federal government and to the President. These men feared that someday we’d devolve into Monarchy. Looks like they might be right, but rest assured: I will do everything in my power to not be powerful.
For instance, you know what I hate? Second terms! The longer a man is in power, the more power hungry he gets. And when you’re power hungry- it’s like a horrible disease that you absolutely cannot stop, it completely destroys your soul. Here’s a fact: I won’t serve a second term.
Also, the President should have absolutely nothing to do with legislation. He can make a suggestion now and then, but legislation is Congress’s responsibility.
The Presidential veto is good. But I won’t use it to advise or control Congress; the veto is just for making sure that nothing hasty or unconstitutional gets passed into law.
Also, sometimes Congress gets a little too clouded by regional interests, but the President doesn’t. So the veto makes sure that no minority region is ever bullied by legislation.

This government’s been goin’ on for 50 years. We need more transparency, across the board. It would be kinda cool to see how our government’s systems have changed in the past 50 years, like, is this how the founders pictured it? For instance, a lot of them were probably paranoid that by now, the states would’ve lost all their rights to a strong central government. And guess what: it’s happening! It hasn’t been overt or contentious, but it’s happening, and it’s bad.
For instance, the President appoints almost everyone, and they’re all at his beck and call. If you thought this was bad when Jefferson was President, just imagine how much worse it is by now. The only difference between a President and a King is that the King controls the public treasury, and hell, our President appoints the people who administer the public treasury. They owe everything to him. He could take that money for himself if he wanted. This reminds me of Julius Caesar.
The Treasury is staffed with very smart, patriotic people and they’re doing really hard work. That’s all good. My problem is they’re getting too cozy with the President. We need to make the Treasury independent from the Executive branch.
Across the board, public servants shouldn’t be the President’s puppets. We’ll have none of that during my tenure. Oh, and we’re definitely keeping freedom of the press. The more they scrutinize us, the better.
As I’ve said before, it’s not the President’s job to come up with legislation, especially in matters of finance. Let’s respect Congress’s authority. Maybe in England the King submits his financial plans for Parliament to rubber-stamp, but that’s not how this country does it.

I strongly oppose an exclusively metal currency. Metal currency will eliminate upward mobility. Metal currency will make the rich richer and the poor poorer. Metal currency will destroy our national character of generosity and kindness.

Another thing the President handles: the Territories of the USA. They don’t have all the freedoms of a state, but they’ll be states pretty soon. It’s tough for those people, not having their full political rights, but they do have heroic frontier border patrols.
Oh, and the Constitution isn’t too specific about this, so let me make this clear: The people who live in DC are free American citizens. Yes, Congress is the official Governor of DC, and Congress serves at the behest of the states. But if people in the states think of DC residents as their “subjects,” then they are as stupid as the stupidest Englishmen from 1776. They’re not gonna be your slaves, okay?

  Constitutional disputes between Congress and the President are tough, but that’s nothing compared to disputes between states. Sometimes things get crazy. But this country doesn’t work unless we like each other. You can pretty much do anything in this country, just don’t infringe on another state’s rights.
Sure, you might give advice to another state, politely, but too many people making forceful advice to other states, well, that’s a slippery slope. This reminds me of Athens.
Look at Switzerland. The Swiss should fucking hate each other, but instead, they all get along because they respect the usefulness of a strong union. Let’s aim for that. When states try to force their interests on other states, it puts us on the path to civil war.
Instead of pushing your angry little regional interests, we should all be proud and focused on our unity.

The economy’s not doing so well, and some of our states are struggling to make ends meet. A lot of this is their own fault, but that’s okay. We’ll get back on our feet together.
Don’t let this talk of constitutional disputes get you down. As long as we are all deeply patriotic and generally moderate, we’re gonna be okay. Now, if we’re not, then we can have the smoothest government in the world but we’ll still be fucked. History shows this. And we need to be vigilant about avoiding smooth-talking, power hungry types. This reminds me of Caesar.

Maybe partisan factions consider themselves patriotic, but rabid partisanship is actually the opposite, even the downfall, of liberty. When people truly believe in liberty, things are good. But when you’re negative, angry and partisan, that’s when evil Kings, pretending to be patriotic, will take over the country.

My foreign policy: we’re gonna keep up the friendly, hands-off status quo. I don’t actually know any details yet, but I have a good hunch that other countries are cool with this. Look, I was a General, so you should trust that just because I make peace with other countries, doesn’t mean the USA is getting walked over. And we’ll keep up the status quo with Indians. We should be proud of treating these weak, uncivilized people with fairness and restraint.

Before I finish, let’s mention political parties. You political parties are crazy and you need to relax. Parties are good watchdogs, but That’s It. Otherwise they’re vicious and awful. It’s such a shame whenever a great country loses their patriotism in the mix of all this party nonsense. This reminds me of Rome.
Now that I’m President, I can say this: stop it! It’s up to the people to get the partisanship under control. I’ll definitely do what I can. Congress: do what you think is best, don’t ever do me any political favors.

This is a this very serious and important day; in fact, it’s so serious that I am comfortable sharing this with you: I’m a Christian. God bless America.

Aaaand I’m done. Thanks everybody.