THE 2008 NBA PRESIDENTIAL DRAFT. part one: picks 1-10

The two subjects nearest to my heart, politics and basketball, can occasionally intertwine in pretty interesting ways. And in other cases, there’s gonna be some parallels that are massively shoehorned, just because I think it’s fun to look at the two together.

With that in mind, here is

the 2008 NBA Draft, if the entrants were each of our Presidents, evaluated by their character in office/peak athletic years.

PART ONE: THE FIRST TEN PICKS


1
Chicago Bulls- Abraham Lincoln

You gotta go with the hometown hero. Lincoln might not be the best athlete in the draft, but he brings serious character and leadership to a young team. We’re talking the Larry Bird of American NBA Presidents. Besides, the man has height- 6’4”- which makes him one of the few Presidents who could legitimately play at the NBA level.

2
Miami Heat- Teddy Roosevelt

Although Abe goes first, there’s definitely a Sam Bowie- Michael Jordan vibe in how this shakes out. Teddy is an absolute beast- in addition to serious athletic versatility, he’s also got the obsessive, internal drive to be a champion. TR, Wade and the Matrix give Miami an enviable core.

3
Minnesota Timberwolves- Gerald Ford

Ford is the best athlete in the draft– he was an all-star college athlete and could have played pro football if he wanted to. Additionally he’s a midwesterner with a low-key, workmanlike attitude- a great leader for a young T-Wolves team.

4
Los Angeles Clippers- Ronald Reagan

Reagan’s a Hollywood guy and he’s the perfect face for a franchise that could really use one. He’s a great athlete and a charismatic interview. Good fit for this team.

5
Memphis Grizzlies- Andrew Jackson

Jackson is a major wild card; he’s six feet tall and very thin, but he’s also fucking tough and insane. He’s the ultimate dice roll- if he can stay in the game and avoid technicals, he’s got game-changing potential as a defensive and psychological force on the court. Memphis badly needs to rebuild, and Jackson gives them the draft’s most charismatic enforcer.

6
New York Knicks- George Washington

This is the first really tough call. The Knicks would love to take Grant but they’ve already got Reynaldo Balkman playing a similar game. The Knicks are a badly fractured team and they need instant leadership, which comes from either hometown hero FDR or the Greatest American, Washington. Ultimately you gotta go with Washington because he’s the father of our country.

7
Seattle Supersonics- George W. Bush

Bush is a great athlete who exercises constantly. He can bench 5 reps of 185- more than Sonics star Kevin Durant. It also helps that the owner of the Sonics is a wealthy homophobe. Obviously there’s some dangerous bust potential here, some character issues. Bush is intensely sheltered, but he might be okay. After all, if the team moves to Oklahoma, he’ll play in front of a sympathetic crowd- the only type of crowd he can tolerate.

8
Milwaukee Bucks- John F. Kennedy

This is a reach. Kennedy the athlete really reminds me of Yi Jianlian the athlete. Although there’s the outward projection of vigor and talent, his actual physical state is pretty mysterious. Considering the Bucks badly need star power, and were willing to roll the dice on Yi for a year, it makes sense that they’d give a similar try with JFK.

9
Charlotte Bobcats- Franklin D. Roosevelt

This is a good steal. At his athletic peak, FDR was a pretty versatile athlete. At his intellectual peak, he’s a bold, creative leader who surrounds himself with great talent. This Bobcats team has the talent but lacks a real on-court leader, besides maybe Ray Felton. FDR could take their chemistry to the next level.

10
New Jersey Nets- Ulysses S. Grant

The Nets are a young, soft team that could badly use some interior toughness. Grant is generally kindof a dumb, narrow focused guy, but he’s a dogged, vicious player. After Jackson, he’s the most intense ‘enforcer’ option in this draft, and he could cause some real trouble in the paint.


COMING TOMORROW: picks 11-30 and the presidents who didn't make the cut