Looking Forward

Some of you have no doubt heard that Barack Obama won the most recent presidential election. What you may not know is that not every person, even among those that voted, cast a vote for Obama. Nearly fifty percent of Americans voted republican, despite the fact that Obama was running. These people were vociferously averse to Obama for a variety of reasons, many of which gradually transformed into new and unrelated reasons. Here's the punchline: the people who hate Obama are already looking forward to 2012, when they might depose him in favor of someone who is not so, shall we say, repellant because of his or her, shall we say, policies. If I understand their series of loud complaints correctly, here are some things that Obama should be on the lookout for if he's going to appeal to the skeptics:

1) Experience: a major motif in the arguments against Barry. Presumably, being the president for a while constitutes experience which might prepare you for a job in the oval office. At that point, however, it is possible that Palin may have served as Governor of Alaska for four more years. Given how quickly that title elevated from comically irrelevant to supremely respectable in a few months, she could be the most important person in Real America by then. On the plus side, it won't matter at all how good of a president Obama was, just that he's been in charge of something. It's good to have wiggle room.

2) Being a Muslim/Terrorist. The hardest rumors to battle are the ones that are so dumb to begin with that there's no more possible evidence to suggest that they are incorrect. When the going gets tough, however, the tough create distractions. Stage an event where Obama is faced with the decision of deporting an American citizen who is wearing a turban so that a friendly white woman can have his job. It would be bonus points if the turban guy wears a name tag with "Hussein" written on it, that way people realize that Barack is capable of demonstrating moral probity even in situations when his name might tempt him to do otherwise. Also, switch out Wright for a Christian pastor who hates most of America based on God's word, but still likes the white straight protestant part.

3) Positive attention from the media. This makes people who are suspicious of the media feel that you are guilty by association. Or maybe they just think that since celebrities are on the TV, being on the TV is like being a celebrity, which is bad. Actually, I can't explain why this is a bad thing. I only know that it is because the conservative half of the media insists that the entire media was too biased in Obama's favor. This didn't sit well with a whole lot of Joe Occupations, because they only pay attention to the conservative half.

4) Being an associate of Bill Ayers. For God's sake, don't deny this friendship based on its undeniable transparency. That obviously doesn't work. I'd say tell Ayers to bomb a few abortion clinics, maybe mix in a mosque or a gay bar (somewhere that there's no Murkns). Democrats will hate it, but they're capable of telling the difference between Obama and Ayers, so it's win-win.

5) Socialism. Technically, there's no chance whatsoever of this being a threat. It's complicated though, because Republican pundits don't know what it means (Hint: it's not the same thing as paying taxes, or even "spreading the wealth", which is something all market structures do). I'm afraid Barry's gonna take a hit on this one. Four years is a long time, though, and I'm sure there's some money left over from the campaign. Running some ads with subliminal word associations between socialism and nascar or beef jerky might tilt the board in his favor.

So as you can see, Obama's got a few things to address before he's secure for 2012. If he hits these points, though, I'd say he'll be sitting pretty among the dissenters. That is, of course, unless they really are just straight up racist.