Republican Lameness

One factual statement that no one can deny is that Republicans never do anything cool. This has been true since Taft, who followed his elephant-slaying predecessor by getting stuck in a bathtub*. As a result, every musician hates John McCain.

Most recently, the RNC played "Barracuda" by Heart, who then sent them a cease and desist letter. Of course, the RNC followed in its grand tradition of not paying attention to what a song actually means before they illegally use it, so Heart helpfully pointed out that their anthem against bland corporate misogyny had led to "irony in Republican strategists' choice to make use of it there".

In the article that I Googled so I could link to the Heart story, I also learned that the Republicans weren't even cool enough to use "Hello Dolly" back in 1964 (probably not coincidentally about the time the modern Republican party really got going). The producer who owned the rights even authorized a "Hello Lyndon" version for the DNC just to give the GOP that extra little fuck you.

What's more, I realized that in my earlier round-up of the McCain campaign's pathetic musical sadness, I neglected to mention that Jackson Browne actually sued the Republican Party for using his song "Running On Empty". It's one thing when major musicians like Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan support your opponent. And it's bad enough when Chuck Berry, whom Wonkette considers a hilariously last-choice option for McCain, doesn't like him either. And it probably hurts even more that McCain's favorite band also hates him. But when way-past-their-prime acts who faded out of the spotlight in the Keating Five era, your Mellencamps, your Hearts, your Brownes, give you the finger, that's when you know, and it must be interesting to have proof on such a deep level, that you are a historically lame person.

Bonus Great Thing: According to this letter, which I'd recommend for its interesting take on Palin, "Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah. They call her 'Sarah Barracuda' because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness." This isn't the greatest source, although it's also not the worst, but I think we can all agree that Palin definitely got her nickname not because of her stand-out point-guard skills in the Alaska women's high school basketball scene, but because she is a cruel, horrible person. Barracuda!


*Note that the last cool Republican quit the party in disgust soon thereafter. This may also be why he killed all those elephants.

They Should Do This

After Obama's big speech, the DNC should have a surprise appearance from Bob Dylan. For many reasons, but, most important, because Obama is speaking on the 45th anniversary of the "I Have a Dream" speech, and Dylan opened for Martin Luther King, Jr. that day. He could play "When the Ship Comes In" just like he did then, and then he could note that he was there, 45 years ago, already well known, playing in front of Martin Luther King, Jr., and he is still younger than John McCain.

Dying in Threes

With what may have been the single act of kindness in a life of spewing disease-ridden piss from his every pore, former Senator Jesse Helms graciously confirmed that celebrities always die in threes when he keeled over on July 3. We had predicted Clarence Thomas, but Helms is good enough, and not that different if you consider their civil rights work. Helms, a strong contender for Worst Living American, has received touching eulogies from Hendrik Hertzberg and Ken Layne of Wonkette. Now he has to compete for Worst American of All Time, where he is just another anonymous terrible person, somewhere between your average KKK Grand Wizard and John Wilkes Booth.

All in all, this was a pretty boring Celebrity Death Threesome, consisting only of soon-to-be-forgotten telejournalist Tim Russert, mediocre comedian George Carlin, and Helms. So I got to thinking, what is the best Celebrity Death Threesome of all time?

Two strong contenders deserve special mention, but are disqualified for involving too many celebrities:
Between Spetmeber 3 and October 4 of 1970, we lost Vince Lombardi, Jimi Hendrix, Eric Marie Remarque, John Dos Passos, and Janis Joplin.
Three years later, also in September, there went John Ford, J.R.R. Tolkien, Gram Parsons, Pablo Neruda, and W.H. Auden.

So those were bad months for humanity. Anyway, here are five strong contenders for Best Celebrity Death Threesome:

1826: Carl Maria von Weber (composer), John Adams, Thomas Jefferson

1827: Alessandro Volta (guy "volts" are named after), Beethoven, William Blake

1955: Charlie Parker, Albert Einstein, Alexander Fleming (guy who discovered penicillin)

1961: Carl Jung, Ernest Hemingway, Ty Cobb

April 1994: Kurt Cobain, Ralph Ellison, Richard Nixon

Those are all pretty strong, and it's tempting to give it to the Parker/Einstein/Fleming trio, but consider this:

In 1963, Aldous Huxley, C.S. Lewis, and John F. Kennedy all died on the same day.

That's definitely worth bonus points. Also, on February 3, 1959, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper all died at the exact same instant, but they lose points because who the hell is the Big Bopper?

Even with that tremendous 1963 effort, however, mankind still has not managed to match that April 23 in 1616, when Shakespeare, Cervantes, and renowned Inca historian (the best Inca historian? We say yes) Garcilaso de la Vega all collapsed and died.

Do we even have celebrities good enough to equal that today? Probably not. Maybe if Gabriel García Márquez, Bob Dylan, and Barack Obama all died in the same minute. Anyway, 1616 takes the gold.