Republican Lameness

One factual statement that no one can deny is that Republicans never do anything cool. This has been true since Taft, who followed his elephant-slaying predecessor by getting stuck in a bathtub*. As a result, every musician hates John McCain.

Most recently, the RNC played "Barracuda" by Heart, who then sent them a cease and desist letter. Of course, the RNC followed in its grand tradition of not paying attention to what a song actually means before they illegally use it, so Heart helpfully pointed out that their anthem against bland corporate misogyny had led to "irony in Republican strategists' choice to make use of it there".

In the article that I Googled so I could link to the Heart story, I also learned that the Republicans weren't even cool enough to use "Hello Dolly" back in 1964 (probably not coincidentally about the time the modern Republican party really got going). The producer who owned the rights even authorized a "Hello Lyndon" version for the DNC just to give the GOP that extra little fuck you.

What's more, I realized that in my earlier round-up of the McCain campaign's pathetic musical sadness, I neglected to mention that Jackson Browne actually sued the Republican Party for using his song "Running On Empty". It's one thing when major musicians like Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan support your opponent. And it's bad enough when Chuck Berry, whom Wonkette considers a hilariously last-choice option for McCain, doesn't like him either. And it probably hurts even more that McCain's favorite band also hates him. But when way-past-their-prime acts who faded out of the spotlight in the Keating Five era, your Mellencamps, your Hearts, your Brownes, give you the finger, that's when you know, and it must be interesting to have proof on such a deep level, that you are a historically lame person.

Bonus Great Thing: According to this letter, which I'd recommend for its interesting take on Palin, "Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah. They call her 'Sarah Barracuda' because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness." This isn't the greatest source, although it's also not the worst, but I think we can all agree that Palin definitely got her nickname not because of her stand-out point-guard skills in the Alaska women's high school basketball scene, but because she is a cruel, horrible person. Barracuda!


*Note that the last cool Republican quit the party in disgust soon thereafter. This may also be why he killed all those elephants.

McCain has Terrible Taste in Music

Apparently Blender magazine asked Obama and McCain to submit their ten favorite songs. The results are exactly what you'd expect. Obama picks awesome things. Springsteen, Nina Simone, Kanye. His top choice is "Ready Or Not" by the Fugees, and he has to be the first serious Presidential contender who has ever even heard of that song. Granted, he puts "Yes We Can" at number 10, but that was probably a joke.
McCain's list is so great that we are going to go through it in its entirety.

1. Dancing Queen, ABBA
Ha ha! Oh man. Well, that's seriously what he picked. Meanwhile it is unmanly for Obama to take his shirt off at the beach. When asked, "What the hell, man", McCain said (and this is true):

"I’ve got to say that a lot of my taste in music stopped about the time I
impacted a surface-to-air missile with my own airplane and never caught up
again.”

What is he talking about? "Dancing Queen" came out after he got back to the U.S.. Also, I like how his phrasing indicates that he saw the missile and deliberately impacted it with his own airplane (this accurately depicts his foreign policy thinking), forever dooming him to like bands that would make music in the next few years.

2. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
This is a pretty good song.

3. Take a Chance On Me ABBA
Can you imagine if Obama picked two ABBA songs? Jesus. I like the desperation of the title, though.

4. If We MakeIt Through December Merle Haggard
This is also a good song, although it's about scraping through trying times on desperate optimism alone.

5. As Time Goes By Dooley Wilson
This is from Casablanca, which is younger than McCain.

6. Good Vibrations The Beach Boys
This is also a good song.

7. What A Wonderful World Louis Armstrong
This is a good song, although it is probably the lamest thing you could pick if you were obviously trying to pander and go with a black jazz musician.

8. I've Got You Under My Skin Frank Sinatra
Not as good as Obama's Sinatra pick, "You'd Be So Easy to Love", although the titles accurately reflect the sensation of supporting each candidate.

9. Sweet Caroline Neil Diamond
This is one of the most annoying, horrible songs ever recorded.

10. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes The Platters
Dave Barry used to mock this as a hilariously lame song that old people request at parties, and Dave is a fairly old guy.

Four good songs, one of which is thematically inappropriate (the Haggard) and none of which are impressive choices. McCain is a terrible decision maker even when it comes to his own personal taste.

Presidential Musical Tastes

A recent story reveals Obama's iPod playlist, and aside from a few missteps (Sheryl Crow?), it's pretty badass: Bob Dylan, Jay-Z, Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Wonder, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Charlie Parker, Howlin' Wolf and Yo-Yo Ma made the cut. Fucking cool.

But how does that compare to McCain? It does not. Just look at his attempts to find a campaign song: For a while he tried to use John Cougar Mellencamp songs at his rallies, but John, a boring has-been who could use the exposure, asked him to stop. Fair enough; McCain says that "what little he had" in cultural tastes came to a halt when he crashed his plane in Vietnam, meaning his favorite music is from the 50's and early '60's, before some of Obama's favorites were even born.

So McCain went with "Johnny B. Goode", but then Chuck Berry turned out not only to still be alive, but to be a big Obama supporter as well. Turns out his memories of McCain's favorite musical era mostly involve fighting virulent institutional racism.

McCain then made the logical next step and went with ABBA, an effort to appeal to women that only revealed his terrible opinion of their taste. But apparently he couldn't afford the rights to the song, and he also realized he was angering the Swedes (really).

It gets to the point where this doesn't even seem like a fair fight anymore. It's like a Student Body President vote between the coolest kid in school and a disoriented old man who works in the cafeteria.