7 Obama Advantages

The experts aren't quite sure what to make of the polling insanity caused by all the weirdness of the past two weeks, what with the popular incompetent secessionist pit bulls, the pansy hurricanes, and the first good speech by John Kerry since the Vietnam era. But whatever the result, I think it's worth taking a look at a few factors that should work in Obama's favor (many of which I am summarizing from 538). None of these is likely to be game-changing, but together they could help out in a close race.

1. Cell-phone users are underrepresented in the polls. Since pollsters get their information from phone calls, and they don't really have a way to call cell phones, people who don't have land lines are left out of the polls. These people tend to be younger, which means they're more likely to vote Obama.
   
2. Young voters may be underrepresented in the polls. Some pollsters try to weight responses by historical voter turn-outs. Since old people go around voting on everything, and young people are busy setting themselves on fire with their iPods, the youths typically get weighted pretty poorly. But Obama is not only the best candidate in several decades, he's also the coolest, so a larger-than-expected youth vote could give him a little extra boost.
3. The Presidential debates are still coming. Obama has way better stage presence than McCain. He's more charming, he's better looking, he appears healthy instead of in rigor mortis, and he's a far better speaker. And that stuff pales in comparison to the superiority of his grasp on policy. While McCain rambles on about nonexistent borders in a country he wants to occupy for 100 years, Obama knows what the fuck he's talking about. (Here's a good example). Anything could happen, but the best case scenario for the Republicans is basically staying afloat, whereas the Dems have potential for a crushing victory.
4. The VP debates are still coming. You never know when Biden will do something stupid, like calling Palin a dumb broad or something, but this guy owned Rudy Giuliani, one of the creepiest people in America. Palin is an inexperienced wad of corruption whose only substantive national appearance so far involved reading a speech written before she was even chosen. Anything could happen, and Republican damage control (widespread lying) is formidable, but I wouldn't be surprised if she looks like the incompetent local politician she is.
   
5. Enthusiasm gap. The Palin pick may degrade this a little, assuming none of her many, many scandals errupts into a big deal, but generally Dems are way more enthusiastic than GORBs this year. Anecdotal evidence from some folks I know suggests that quite a few conservatives are just too discouraged to vote.
6. Ground Game Gap. Obama has way more people on the ground than McCain. This kind of thing can make a bigger difference as the election draws nearer, since it enables you to focus your resources more efficiently.
7. Death. While new eighteenth birthdays swell Obama's ranks every day, McCain supporters are quietly dying in their sleep, mercifully avoiding the irony of voting for policies that would ruin their fading lives.

Even if the polling comes out tied or with a slight McCain advantage (and by the time the convention bounces wear off, it may show a slight Obama lead anyway), I think the good guys still have reason to be optimistic.

Fond Remembrances

As the Republican Convention winds down without a single good speech so far, our friend Miriam has done some hard-hitting journalism to bring you a look back at Republican history in the Twin Cities. Here is a time-line:

• June 11, 2007: Larry Craig arrested for soliciting sexual activity in a Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport men's room.

At the top of this article, we have a photo of the bathroom stall where Craig famously expressed his commitment to Republican Values. One fun activity you can do with this picture is try to imagine someone just naturally standing with his feet so far apart that they go under those walls.
Of course, you have to know the context for a story like this, so we've also got a picture of the bathroom in the context of the greater airport. It's right by the ol' Royal Zeno Shoe Shine. Maybe Craig was just really enthusiastic about their work and wanted to show a gay airport bathroom prostitute?
Thanks to Miriam for her photojournalism.

John McCain vs. Bugs Bunny

To continue with a previous post, here is a timeline comparing McCain's life with that of another great American hero:

August 29, 1936
Bugs Bunny does not exist yet.
John McCain is born.

April 30, 1938
Bugs Bunny prototype first appears in cartoon Porky's Hare Hunt.
John McCain is learning to walk.

July 27, 1940
First official appearance of Bugs Bunny in Tex Avery's A Wild Hare.
John McCain is learning to read.

World War II
Bugs Bunny appears in such classics as Bugs Bunny Nips the Nips and is appointed an honorary Master Sergeant by the Marine Corps.
John McCain is older than the U.N.

1950-1954
Bugs appears in Chuck Jones's Rabbit of Seville, widely considered the best Mozart-themed cartoon, and Duck Amuck, possibly the greatest cartoon short ever made.
McCain enrolls at Episcopal High School, a private preparatory school. While there he rats out a fellow student, which would later become an example of courage or something.

1957
Bugs appears in What's Opera, Doc?, an awesome cartoon based on Wagner's Der Ring des Nibelungen.
McCain is a legacy student.

1958
Bugs wins an Oscar for Chuck Jones with Knighty Knight Bugs.
McCain graduates Annapolis 884/889.

1960
Debut of The Bugs Bunny Show, which would run for 40 years.
McCain graduates flight school despite crashing into Corpus Christi.

1967
A bad year for Bugs Bunny and John McCain. Looney Tunes are basically over, and Bugs doesn't appear in anything this year.
McCain is shot down over Hanoi and imprisoned by the Viet Cong.

1973
Bugs still basically inactive.
McCain released

1979-80
Bugs shows up in a few mediocre TV specials.
McCain begins to see Cindy Lou Hensley, a beer heiress, then divorces his wife, a cripple, then marries Cindy.

1982-83
Bugs shows up in a few mediocre movies.
McCain uses his wife's money and her dad's connections to win a Senate seat. Once a senator, he opposes the creation of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

Late 1980's
Bugs appears in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, triggering renewed interest in his earlier work. Only a year later, Mel Blanc dies.
McCain is involved with the Savings and Loan scandal through the "Keating Five", which cost taxpayers about $2.6 billion, although not in earmarks. He later admits, "The appearance of it was wrong."

1996
Bugs appears with Michael Jordan in Space Jam, voiced by Billy West.
McCain is now considered a maverick.

2000-Present
Chuck Jones dies. Looney Tunes: Back in Action released to decent reviews.
McCain runs for President, fails, supports the Iraq War, and runs for President again.

Phun Phact: As a popular write-in candidate, Bugs Bunny has had a small showing in almost every major U.S. election of the last half-century. Could it be that Bugs Bunny has received more votes for public office than John McCain? Yes.

Younger than McCain

Someone else is already keeping track of things younger than McCain on an alright blog, so we won't be making that a recurring feature here. But I have been independently researching this topic at work, and some of the answers are astounding. Bebop, for instance, was born and petered out more or less between McCain's third and 24th birthdays. The Chaplin movie Modern Times came out after his birth. He was nine days younger than Wilt Chamberlain, who retired in the seventies and died in 1999. Every Disney animated feature, from Snow White on, is younger than McCain.
With this in mind, McCain's admitted ignorance of computers actually makes sense- any viable candidate would be younger than the computer as we know it today. But McCain is older than the bombe, the first modern computer, used to crack enigma machine messages from the Nazis, and he's about the same age as the Turing machine, the whole theory that led to the creation of computers. Granted, you'd expect someone born in 1895 to have figured out the car by 1966, but maybe not if he always had a chauffeur to do it for him.
In our next post, we'll compare the lives of McCain and another, younger famous American from his era.

Wesley Clark: Awesome

This weekend, retired General Wesley Clark said of John McCain's military record, "Well, I don't think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president." McCain, as it his wont, responded with fury and confusion.

Clark was right, of course, and here is a comparison of his military record against John McCain's:

Getting into college:

• Clark- a National Merit Scholar and state champion swimmer, he was a natural fit for West Point.
• McCain- the son (and grandson!) of someone who was qualified to go to Annapolis, he was a terrible fit for Annapolis

Getting out of college:

• Clark- valedictorian
• McCain- 884th out of 889

After College:

• Clark-Rhodes Scholar
• McCain-crashed a lot of planes

In Vietnam:

• Clark- Won a Bronze Star as a staff officer, won a Silver Star for directing a successful counterattack after being shot four times with an AK-47
• McCain- Crashed another plane, was captured, lasted five years as a P.O.W., won Silver Star, Legion of Merit, Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star, Navy Commendation Medal, 12 other medals

After Vietnam:

• Clark- Served as an instructor at West Point, some political work, commanded division, battalion and brigade in Germany, won the Meritorious Service Medal, won a Legion of Merit, won another Legion of Merit, won another Meritorious Service Medal, won another Legion of Merit, held key training post in Gulf War, won another Legion of Merit, won Distinguished Service Medal, important general in Bosnia, withstood sniper fire and rappelled down a mountain to retrieve American bodies, became Supreme Allied Commander of Europe, won Kosovo war without sacrificing a single soldier, retired as four-star general, won various other medals, opposed Iraq War from the start
  
• McCain-ran a squad that won a Meritorious Unit Commendation, served as Navy's liaison to the Senate, retired as a captain, divorced his disabled wife and married a beer heiress, was in the "Keating Five", fought wasteful spending, still a fan of the Iraq War

Clark is a fucking badass. Obama probably made the right call in terms of getting swing votes when he distanced himself from Clark. But from a standpoint of being correct, this was an attack on McCain's lack of military leadership from possibly the most qualified military leader on earth. McCain crashed that plane in part because he spent his time getting demerits and failing classes instead of paying attention to the guys who tell you how to keep your plane from crashing. He wound up a P.O.W. partially because he had no respect for his own military leadership, and I'm willing to to listen to one of the greatest living generals when he says he has no respect for McCain's.

McCain: Legacy Student

I have long held that legacy admissions are a stupid idea. The long and short of it is that it is dumb and also ethically objectionable to let a kid into a school because one of his parents went there. Consider the most famous living legacy student, George W. Bush: an arrogant elitist of middling intelligence, he went to Yale, received poor grades, and has emerged not only as one of the worst two or three Presidents in history, but as the leading anti-intellectual of his era.

So it's funny that McCain is also a legacy student. He got into Annapolis because his dad and grandfather both went there. My dad argues that this isn't the same thing as with Bush, because the elder McCains were 4-star admirals who served their country well and deserved some slack for their offspring. That's probably true. But then McCain had numerous discipline problems and finished 884th in his class. That was out of 889.

On the one hand, this raises serious questions about his ability to be Commander-in Chief. Obama may be untested, but is that worse than being tested and failing horribly? A single class at a single military academy produced 883 people demonstrably better qualified to lead our military.

On the other hand, maybe McCain is capable but just wasn't trying. That's exactly the kind of thing you'd expect if he were a privileged, coddled asshole who didn't even have to try to get into a top school. It's just another way that McCain is ridiculously like Bush, and it's another great example of why legacy admisisons are a really terrible idea.

Presidential Musical Tastes

A recent story reveals Obama's iPod playlist, and aside from a few missteps (Sheryl Crow?), it's pretty badass: Bob Dylan, Jay-Z, Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Wonder, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Charlie Parker, Howlin' Wolf and Yo-Yo Ma made the cut. Fucking cool.

But how does that compare to McCain? It does not. Just look at his attempts to find a campaign song: For a while he tried to use John Cougar Mellencamp songs at his rallies, but John, a boring has-been who could use the exposure, asked him to stop. Fair enough; McCain says that "what little he had" in cultural tastes came to a halt when he crashed his plane in Vietnam, meaning his favorite music is from the 50's and early '60's, before some of Obama's favorites were even born.

So McCain went with "Johnny B. Goode", but then Chuck Berry turned out not only to still be alive, but to be a big Obama supporter as well. Turns out his memories of McCain's favorite musical era mostly involve fighting virulent institutional racism.

McCain then made the logical next step and went with ABBA, an effort to appeal to women that only revealed his terrible opinion of their taste. But apparently he couldn't afford the rights to the song, and he also realized he was angering the Swedes (really).

It gets to the point where this doesn't even seem like a fair fight anymore. It's like a Student Body President vote between the coolest kid in school and a disoriented old man who works in the cafeteria.

Just one letter from "Fucking Idiot"

Yes, Obama has clinched the nomination, but he still needs to do more to earn the votes of astonishingly dumb voters:

"I don't trust Osama ... Obama. It's only a letter difference," said Charles, the Hillary backer. "His middle name is Hussein."

Well, Charles, before you make up your mind, please be warned of the precious letter differences afflicting your conservative alternative:

McCain is just one letter shy of McBain, a foreign buffoon invented by prissy, left wing writers to skewer a certified American Hero.

(*Furthermore, John McCain is just one letter shy of John MacCain, currently Barack's top choice as Vice President. Why the hell should we vote for McCain when he's practically that liberal scumbag MacCain?)

Karl Rove is just one letter shy of Karl Dove. All along, he must have been some sort of Hippie Anti-War fag! WHY!?


Most horrifyingly, Dick Cheney is exactly zero letters removed from Dick Cheney, a fellow who oversaw a viciously anti-constitutional expanse of executive power, helped orchestrate a calamitously failed war, and still took some time off to shoot his friend in the face.

Or as John McCain put it, "one of the most capable, experienced, intelligent and steady vice presidents this country has ever had.”

Obama is not an Asshole

Here's something I like about Obama:
I haven't seen a lot about this in the media, but I think an interesting pattern has been emerging wherein he gets hit with dirty politics and actually tries to take the high road instead of fighting fire with fire, which is a good way to continue burning things down.
For instance, people were upset that Obama chose a known black as his fake pastor, and they said dumb things about it. Obama responded with the best speech in America by any politician since Roosevelt, and it was nuanced and intelligent and didn't disown his friend. He eventually had to do that, but only after Wright turned out to be an actual crazy asshole.
And the gas tax thing. McCain comes up with a stupid plan that will sound good to stupid people. Clinton takes a look at her constituency and decides to back it as well. Obama says, "Well that sounds like a dumb idea," and explains why it is a dumb idea.
And more recently people have criticized him for being willing to talk to leaders of countries that Serious Politicians want to bomb. Instead of doing the easy thing and adopting a Republican foreign policy instead, he has basically continued to hold a sophisticated foreign policy not based on furious erratic bombings.
Sometimes his integrity has paid off (gas tax) and some times not so much (Wright), but I think it's cool that he maintains his positions and defends them even when it requires a patient, possibly complicated explanation. It's nice to be treated like a thinking adult even though I am still an American voter.

Obama/MacCain '08!

Now that the media has teamed up with Basic Math and Common Knowledge to defeat Hillary Clinton, people are starting to talk about Obama's running mate. Fortunately we at KoolKatSez have found the perfect answer.
The worst choice is obviously Clinton, the "Dream Ticket" of people who have horribly chosen, asinine dreams.
Others say Bill Richardson, who would inspire Mexicans to stop taking American jobs picking various things long enough to vote for him just because he's Mexican.
But many say Obama needs a white to run with him so that old ignorant white people will accidentally vote for him. John Edwards is a bona fide white, but his old ticket couldn't even beat the worst President in history. That seems to leave only anonymous boring senators from the South.
But what if someone real thought of this:
Pick a guy who kind of looks like McCain. It would help if he was named something like "John MacCain". He could even have a quiet way of speaking, with a weird little lisp and clenched teeth. Maybe he could occasionally call John McCain's wife a cunt.
Consider the two defining characteristics of people who prefer Clinton/McCain to Obama:
1. old
2. stupid
Everyone knows this, because for some reason, the media has been reporting it as though it was a negative for Obama. "You can't win without dumbasses and the ghastly shades of the Greatest Generation" they say. "Can Obama win even though he was educated?" they ask, "even though he may not die of old age while in office?" Can medicated coots ever relate to someone who walks around with no assistance from machines? Can people who cling to shooting gays at abortion clinics ever choose someone who bowls very poorly?
Yes. By choosing a person who is very similar to McCain, we will exploit the shared weakness of the elderly and the dumb: They are very easily confused. We could enhance the effect with clever campaign ads. For example, one ad could show pictures of individual candidates, and ask, "McCain/Romney? Or Obama/MacCain? McCain/Obama? Obama/Romney? MACCAIN/MCCAIN? MCAIN/MACCAIN? MCCAIN! MACCAIN! MACCAIN! MCCAIN! (sponsored by MacCain/Obama)".
And imagine McCain trying to patiently explain this to his constituency, the subtle differences between McCain and MacCain, who, why not, could even show up at McCain events and try to ask questions ("Senator McCain, America wants to know, what is McCain doing in the audience of a MacCain rally?") McCain would eventually just start punching anyone who asked him about the other John, or calling them cunts.
And what is the media going to do? Claim that voters should try to find things out? Read things? Everyone knows old people can't afford glasses and dumb people are functionally illiterate.
Obama/MacCain '08

NO We Can! NO We Can!

When I was growing up, first paying attention to the nba, there was one narrative that really defined the playoffs. Spurs vs. Lakers. Good vs. Evil.

I hated the Lakers, those smug, 3-peating assholes, and I loved the Spurs, because- even if they were boring or whatever- they were always our best chance to stop L.A.

When the Spurs beat the Lakers in 2003, the first playoffs I followed passionately, it was one of the first big sports thrills of my life. The Spurs earned my love and loyalty for years afterward.

Years later, we're facing the possibility of another Spurs-Lakers conference finals. But it's not so black and white anymore. the Lakers still suck, but, in the past year, I've come to realize that the dreary, heartlessly efficient Spurs kinda suck too. And if it comes down to those two teams, it feels like just a lesser-of-two-evils choice in my heart.

so it is with the Republicans and the Clintons.

But there's another team offering a fresh taste of Hope for all of us... the New Orleans Hornets.

A young team with extraordinary talent, with the athletic and creative intangibles necessary to bamboozle the old-school Spurs. A compelling, truly cheer-worthy alternative to Lakers-Spurs hegemony.


As of this writing, the Hornets have taken a shockingly easy 2-0 lead on the Spurs. We're approaching Super Tuesday, maybe around the corner from the February stampede- I won't feel safe until it's a 3-0 lead, but I'm feeling cautiously optimistic.

NO We Can! NO We Can!

(PS- north carolina and indiana tonight. when are we gonna close this shit out? hillary's down 3-1 and losing game 5 by double digits in the fourth quarter. keep hitting those free throws barack!)

Things That Would Work Better Than the Gas Tax Holiday

McCain could personally offer to punch every American in the stomach.

• Pros: Would save as much on gas as gas tax holiday; would not fund Middle Eastern terror barons (like a robber baron, but less likely to cause the black lung)
  
• Cons: Even at a rate of one American-punch per second, McCain would be dead long before he could finish.

Clinton could threaten to have high gas prices personally killed.

• Pros: Would save as much on gas as gas tax holiday
  
• Cons: Would help her with crucial Bitter Dumbass demographic

McCain could threaten to wage a billion year war on every gas station that doesn't go back to the gas prices in the old good America from when he fought in WWII.

• Pros: Would save as much on gas as gas tax holiday; would allow McCain to "get it out of his system"; denying the Billion Year Local Gas Stations War option shows moral irresponsibility and reminds me of Neville Chamberlain and emboldens gas station guys
• Cons: Army would have no way to get tanks back out of suburbs when they ran out of gas
  

Some Things That Are True

We all know that Obama is an elitist, but did we also know that he isn't elitist? Here is some factual information:

According to the Associated Press, Obama and his wife made $4.2 million last year, paid $1.4 million in taxes and donated $240,370 to charity. Most of the money came from two books that he wrote. As recently as one year before that they made $991,296, total, mostly from working jobs as a senator and a University of Chicago Medical Center administrator.

The Clintons made $20.4 million last year, over half of which came from Bill talking to people in exchange for sweaty fistfuls of cash. I don't know what they made last year but they've pulled in $109 million since her time in the White House ended.

McCain won't tell anybody what he is worth but he is married to a beer heiress named Cindy who is supposedly worth about $100 million. Most of his money comes from being married to a beer heiress worth $100 million. Mostly her company distributes for Budweiser, so it's not even good (or the cheapest) beer.

So, in sum, Obama is worth probably less than %10 as much as either other candidate, and his money comes from things he wrote himself, plus working as a senator, plus his wife helping sick people. The Clintons have money mostly from yammering to people who can afford his $150,000 or so fee. McCain has money because he divorced his first wife, married someone 18 years younger (back in 1980 when he was about the same age as Obama is now), and used her money to become a senator.

Obviously Obama is rich, but he is the least rich of the three candidates, has been rich the least time, and became rich in the least elitist fashion. Granted, he is bad at bowling, but the Clintons have something like more than ten times his money earned by spending lots of time talking to very rich people. And McCain is married to a beer heiress.