Wesley Clark: Awesome

This weekend, retired General Wesley Clark said of John McCain's military record, "Well, I don't think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president." McCain, as it his wont, responded with fury and confusion.

Clark was right, of course, and here is a comparison of his military record against John McCain's:

Getting into college:

• Clark- a National Merit Scholar and state champion swimmer, he was a natural fit for West Point.
• McCain- the son (and grandson!) of someone who was qualified to go to Annapolis, he was a terrible fit for Annapolis

Getting out of college:

• Clark- valedictorian
• McCain- 884th out of 889

After College:

• Clark-Rhodes Scholar
• McCain-crashed a lot of planes

In Vietnam:

• Clark- Won a Bronze Star as a staff officer, won a Silver Star for directing a successful counterattack after being shot four times with an AK-47
• McCain- Crashed another plane, was captured, lasted five years as a P.O.W., won Silver Star, Legion of Merit, Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star, Navy Commendation Medal, 12 other medals

After Vietnam:

• Clark- Served as an instructor at West Point, some political work, commanded division, battalion and brigade in Germany, won the Meritorious Service Medal, won a Legion of Merit, won another Legion of Merit, won another Meritorious Service Medal, won another Legion of Merit, held key training post in Gulf War, won another Legion of Merit, won Distinguished Service Medal, important general in Bosnia, withstood sniper fire and rappelled down a mountain to retrieve American bodies, became Supreme Allied Commander of Europe, won Kosovo war without sacrificing a single soldier, retired as four-star general, won various other medals, opposed Iraq War from the start
  
• McCain-ran a squad that won a Meritorious Unit Commendation, served as Navy's liaison to the Senate, retired as a captain, divorced his disabled wife and married a beer heiress, was in the "Keating Five", fought wasteful spending, still a fan of the Iraq War

Clark is a fucking badass. Obama probably made the right call in terms of getting swing votes when he distanced himself from Clark. But from a standpoint of being correct, this was an attack on McCain's lack of military leadership from possibly the most qualified military leader on earth. McCain crashed that plane in part because he spent his time getting demerits and failing classes instead of paying attention to the guys who tell you how to keep your plane from crashing. He wound up a P.O.W. partially because he had no respect for his own military leadership, and I'm willing to to listen to one of the greatest living generals when he says he has no respect for McCain's.

think green . . . or die . . . somehow

I suppose I do have one, unembarassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately.
-Susan Orlean in "Adaptation"

I'm typically not very dedicated when it comes to being a dissatisfied customer. I see people in restaurants getting furious about something frivolous, like they ordered broccoli but instead got fish, and I can only dream. So when I walked out of a movie before even watching an hour of it for the first time ever, it felt like a rite of passage.

Shyamalan's The Happening, which depicts people killing themselves under the influence of a mysterious neurotoxin, achieved a degree of cinematic disaster that is almost genius; a movie about people uncontrollably killing themselves which is so bad that it makes you want to do just that. It's like if Adaptation-with all its quirky self-reference and winking philosophical treatments of consciousness and reality- was actually never written and was instead a mind-numbingly horrible plot vomited onto a script that reads like it was written by someone who has no familiarity with the English language or any culture anywhere while they glance half drunk at a translation dictionary and hope that some distractingly misplaced hip language will bring some multidimensionality to characters that take time off from literally telling you their cliche personality traits in order to interact in such an awkwardly inhuman way that you hope they're the next one to try and kill themselves by offering their arm to a lion in the zoo and then stumbling around with a bloody stump that looks like something out of Kill Bill. (Oops, sorry, SPOILER ALERT! . . . That actually happens in the movie.)

I asked someone who was dumb enough to stay through the whole thing what it turned out to be that was making people kill themselves, and, just like ancillary character number three blatantly told the audience in one of Shammy's trademark attempts at adumbration through plot-holes, it was plants in major city parks that had decided to secrete deadly psychotropic death chemicals of doom for 24 hours in order to warn humans of the consequences of further disrespect for the environment. An organized mass-murder by plants. It's spooky cause it has a message which chills your nerves every time you release CO2 by driving you car: someday there will be an oak tree in your rear-view that has HAD ENOUGH.

I think it's a great idea. It obviously cost less to propogate a green-friendly message in this way than to offer $300 million for a better car battery, and if someone figured out how to make it into a movie that shouldn't have to apologize to all of humanity for its deleterious effects on our collective consciousness, I'd be all for it. Until then I'll just have to continue haphazardly killing every tree I see before it gives me the brain pollen and hoping that that gas tax kicks in soon. I suppose I should be thankful to Shammy for teaching me to care to the point of hatred, but really he just opened my eyes to the depression that comes from noticing that the only environmental policies dumber than the worst movie ever made are espoused by a man trying to run the country.

THE 2008 NBA PRESIDENTIAL DRAFT. part two: picks 11-20

Second Part of a Four Part Series: The 2008 NBA Presidential Draft, if the entrants were the Presidents, judged by their athletic peaks and presidential character.


11
Indiana Pacers- George H.W. Bush

Bush is the best athlete left in the draft. He’s a smart, steady, unassailable guy for a team that’s really looking for character players.

12
Sacramento Kings- James Monroe

This team is pretty depressing, just bland and flat as hell. They could use a big personality with big talent, but there’s not much of that left on the board. Monroe at least gives them a very solid piece for the future. Long, strong, and smart.

13
Portland Trail Blazers- Dwight D. Eisenhower

The Trail Blazers are already in amazing shape with a roster of high-character, very talented guys. Eisenhower’s a natural fit, as he’s proven his talent for encouraging prosperity through solid, light-handed leadership.

14
Golden State Warriors- John Quincy Adams

The Warriors are an unconventional team and this is an unconventional pick. JQ’s small but also a very hard worker with a surprising history of athletic endurance. Plus he’s absolutely brilliant. He’ll do a fine job backing up Baron Davis at the point.

15
Phoenix Suns- Zachary Taylor

Zach is short but he’s got a muscular frame and he’s tough as nails. He’ll be a good undersized power forward. Ideally Phoenix would trade up for Grant, but Old Rough and Ready is the next-best option as that type of player.

16
Philadelphia 76ers- James Garfield

Garfield is simply the best prospect on the board. He’s athletic, strong, energetic and even ambidextrous. He’s a solid pick.

17
Toronto Raptors- Chester Alan Arthur

The best pick on the board. Good height (6’2”), gregarious demeanor, smart and steady. He’s ready to contribute right away.

18
Washington Wizards- Lyndon B. Johnson

The Wizards could use some scoring in the frontcourt, and that’s what LBJ might bring. He’s tall, fat and enormously charismatic- a proto-Shaq, with a better work ethic. Johnson’s not too athletic but, relative to other players in this draft, he’s got size. Definitely bust potential- but also star potential (if he doesn't clash with Gilbert Arenas).

19
Cleveland Cavaliers- James K. Polk

The Cavaliers already have leadership and scoring in Lebron James. What they’re really after is a veteran point guard. Polk is an intensely serious little guy, and Lebron would be hugely relieved to have a teammate as smart and focused as Polk.

20
Charlotte Bobcats- Jimmy Carter

Jimmy absolutely plummeted in this draft- I had him rated as one of the better athletic prospects, but he just didn’t fill the needs for a lot of earlier teams. With Charlotte’s second pick they get a steal and a likable Southerner. Plus, Jimmy’s a devout Christian, so there’s not much risk of him getting into the wrong headlines.

WAHOO!

Supreme Court lifts DC's Gun Ban.


Wahoo!!!

Finally, a Supreme Court that wants to make it easier for This to happen in the future:

(note: listen to the first video while watching the second video, for MAX EFFECT!)

THE 2008 NBA PRESIDENTIAL DRAFT. part one: picks 1-10

The two subjects nearest to my heart, politics and basketball, can occasionally intertwine in pretty interesting ways. And in other cases, there’s gonna be some parallels that are massively shoehorned, just because I think it’s fun to look at the two together.

With that in mind, here is

the 2008 NBA Draft, if the entrants were each of our Presidents, evaluated by their character in office/peak athletic years.

PART ONE: THE FIRST TEN PICKS


1
Chicago Bulls- Abraham Lincoln

You gotta go with the hometown hero. Lincoln might not be the best athlete in the draft, but he brings serious character and leadership to a young team. We’re talking the Larry Bird of American NBA Presidents. Besides, the man has height- 6’4”- which makes him one of the few Presidents who could legitimately play at the NBA level.

2
Miami Heat- Teddy Roosevelt

Although Abe goes first, there’s definitely a Sam Bowie- Michael Jordan vibe in how this shakes out. Teddy is an absolute beast- in addition to serious athletic versatility, he’s also got the obsessive, internal drive to be a champion. TR, Wade and the Matrix give Miami an enviable core.

3
Minnesota Timberwolves- Gerald Ford

Ford is the best athlete in the draft– he was an all-star college athlete and could have played pro football if he wanted to. Additionally he’s a midwesterner with a low-key, workmanlike attitude- a great leader for a young T-Wolves team.

4
Los Angeles Clippers- Ronald Reagan

Reagan’s a Hollywood guy and he’s the perfect face for a franchise that could really use one. He’s a great athlete and a charismatic interview. Good fit for this team.

5
Memphis Grizzlies- Andrew Jackson

Jackson is a major wild card; he’s six feet tall and very thin, but he’s also fucking tough and insane. He’s the ultimate dice roll- if he can stay in the game and avoid technicals, he’s got game-changing potential as a defensive and psychological force on the court. Memphis badly needs to rebuild, and Jackson gives them the draft’s most charismatic enforcer.

6
New York Knicks- George Washington

This is the first really tough call. The Knicks would love to take Grant but they’ve already got Reynaldo Balkman playing a similar game. The Knicks are a badly fractured team and they need instant leadership, which comes from either hometown hero FDR or the Greatest American, Washington. Ultimately you gotta go with Washington because he’s the father of our country.

7
Seattle Supersonics- George W. Bush

Bush is a great athlete who exercises constantly. He can bench 5 reps of 185- more than Sonics star Kevin Durant. It also helps that the owner of the Sonics is a wealthy homophobe. Obviously there’s some dangerous bust potential here, some character issues. Bush is intensely sheltered, but he might be okay. After all, if the team moves to Oklahoma, he’ll play in front of a sympathetic crowd- the only type of crowd he can tolerate.

8
Milwaukee Bucks- John F. Kennedy

This is a reach. Kennedy the athlete really reminds me of Yi Jianlian the athlete. Although there’s the outward projection of vigor and talent, his actual physical state is pretty mysterious. Considering the Bucks badly need star power, and were willing to roll the dice on Yi for a year, it makes sense that they’d give a similar try with JFK.

9
Charlotte Bobcats- Franklin D. Roosevelt

This is a good steal. At his athletic peak, FDR was a pretty versatile athlete. At his intellectual peak, he’s a bold, creative leader who surrounds himself with great talent. This Bobcats team has the talent but lacks a real on-court leader, besides maybe Ray Felton. FDR could take their chemistry to the next level.

10
New Jersey Nets- Ulysses S. Grant

The Nets are a young, soft team that could badly use some interior toughness. Grant is generally kindof a dumb, narrow focused guy, but he’s a dogged, vicious player. After Jackson, he’s the most intense ‘enforcer’ option in this draft, and he could cause some real trouble in the paint.


COMING TOMORROW: picks 11-30 and the presidents who didn't make the cut

McCain: Legacy Student

I have long held that legacy admissions are a stupid idea. The long and short of it is that it is dumb and also ethically objectionable to let a kid into a school because one of his parents went there. Consider the most famous living legacy student, George W. Bush: an arrogant elitist of middling intelligence, he went to Yale, received poor grades, and has emerged not only as one of the worst two or three Presidents in history, but as the leading anti-intellectual of his era.

So it's funny that McCain is also a legacy student. He got into Annapolis because his dad and grandfather both went there. My dad argues that this isn't the same thing as with Bush, because the elder McCains were 4-star admirals who served their country well and deserved some slack for their offspring. That's probably true. But then McCain had numerous discipline problems and finished 884th in his class. That was out of 889.

On the one hand, this raises serious questions about his ability to be Commander-in Chief. Obama may be untested, but is that worse than being tested and failing horribly? A single class at a single military academy produced 883 people demonstrably better qualified to lead our military.

On the other hand, maybe McCain is capable but just wasn't trying. That's exactly the kind of thing you'd expect if he were a privileged, coddled asshole who didn't even have to try to get into a top school. It's just another way that McCain is ridiculously like Bush, and it's another great example of why legacy admisisons are a really terrible idea.

Presidential Musical Tastes

A recent story reveals Obama's iPod playlist, and aside from a few missteps (Sheryl Crow?), it's pretty badass: Bob Dylan, Jay-Z, Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Wonder, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Charlie Parker, Howlin' Wolf and Yo-Yo Ma made the cut. Fucking cool.

But how does that compare to McCain? It does not. Just look at his attempts to find a campaign song: For a while he tried to use John Cougar Mellencamp songs at his rallies, but John, a boring has-been who could use the exposure, asked him to stop. Fair enough; McCain says that "what little he had" in cultural tastes came to a halt when he crashed his plane in Vietnam, meaning his favorite music is from the 50's and early '60's, before some of Obama's favorites were even born.

So McCain went with "Johnny B. Goode", but then Chuck Berry turned out not only to still be alive, but to be a big Obama supporter as well. Turns out his memories of McCain's favorite musical era mostly involve fighting virulent institutional racism.

McCain then made the logical next step and went with ABBA, an effort to appeal to women that only revealed his terrible opinion of their taste. But apparently he couldn't afford the rights to the song, and he also realized he was angering the Swedes (really).

It gets to the point where this doesn't even seem like a fair fight anymore. It's like a Student Body President vote between the coolest kid in school and a disoriented old man who works in the cafeteria.

Just one letter from "Fucking Idiot"

Yes, Obama has clinched the nomination, but he still needs to do more to earn the votes of astonishingly dumb voters:

"I don't trust Osama ... Obama. It's only a letter difference," said Charles, the Hillary backer. "His middle name is Hussein."

Well, Charles, before you make up your mind, please be warned of the precious letter differences afflicting your conservative alternative:

McCain is just one letter shy of McBain, a foreign buffoon invented by prissy, left wing writers to skewer a certified American Hero.

(*Furthermore, John McCain is just one letter shy of John MacCain, currently Barack's top choice as Vice President. Why the hell should we vote for McCain when he's practically that liberal scumbag MacCain?)

Karl Rove is just one letter shy of Karl Dove. All along, he must have been some sort of Hippie Anti-War fag! WHY!?


Most horrifyingly, Dick Cheney is exactly zero letters removed from Dick Cheney, a fellow who oversaw a viciously anti-constitutional expanse of executive power, helped orchestrate a calamitously failed war, and still took some time off to shoot his friend in the face.

Or as John McCain put it, "one of the most capable, experienced, intelligent and steady vice presidents this country has ever had.”

The Wednesday Image

Utah

Fun facts about Utah's state bird, the California seagull:

• It is the only state bird with the wrong state in its name!
• It is one of two state birds with "California" in its name. The other is the California valley quail, the state bird of California!
• There are no seas in Utah!
• Early settlers in Utah would have died if these courageous birds hadn't showed up to eat bugs!

Spin Spun

"Of The fact that John Mccain’s top advise is a complete disgrace and is says that a terrorist attack on American soil would be a 'piglet advantage' for their political campaign exactly the child or politics that needs to exchange office," Clenched Burton, a spokesman for Senator Barack Obama, said in a statement.

Obama goes for the angsty tween vote

So our man recently released a website specifically designed to combat the spread of false, poisonous rumors. Obviously this is a big step in the right direction, considering the notoriously hands-off approach of the Kerry campaign.

but I can't help but notice, the arrangement of fonts on the page is getting kindof haphazard:



usually obama mixes the cursives and the capitals pretty well, but this just looks like the typeset for an angry girl's favorite band.

is he losing his touch?

Third Time's the Charm!

We've all heard that celebrities die in threes. A while back it was Gerald Ford, James Brown and Saddam Hussein. Before that Mitch Hedberg, Johnny Cochran and Pope John Paul II. Before that Cervantes, Shakespeare, and Inca historian Garcilaso de la Vega. Coincidence? No.
Now that George Carlin and Tim Russert have both died of heart problems, someone has to come next. But who?
Well, usually two important people die at the same time as a relatively unimportant person (Cochran, Ford, the Inca guy). Some people think Russert was important, but they are confused. "If it's Sunday, it's Meet the Press," they said, even though, as everyone knows, if it's Sunday, it's no one has ever watched TV on Sunday morning.
So someone important has to die, preferably of heart disease. The obvious candidate is John McCain. But he didn't crash land his jet on a Vietnamese infant just to come back and die right as his weird long-term plan for political ascendancy (Step 1: Crash; Step 2: ASCEND) comes to fruition.
But wait! Sometimes a black guy dies too (Cochran, Brown, the Inca guy (?)). Bill Russell? I hope not, because he is awesome. This strongly indicates that Clarence Thomas will die on the bus tomorrow. He will be so angry at black people that his heart will explode. He will die as he lived, in his robes, clutching his chest, yelling at the floor.

T-minus Nineteen weeks

30 Strong for McCain for Obama

Two Candidates. One Choice. The other one knows it.

holy shit

Just read this. Just read this. We have a nominee who doesn't cower in the face of the old Rovian bullshit. And the truth is the only weapon he needs.

I'm so fucking proud right now.

The Wednesday Image

Who does the League want?

the NBA, fairly or not, has a bit of a reputation for manufacturing preferred outcomes in the playoffs. We're at an especially black-and-white time for the nba: a great-rated Celtics Lakers finals, the cap to one of the best seasons in recent memory, interrupted by old allegations of game-fixing, brought to the surface by disgraced ex-ref Tim Donaghy. Even if Donaghy's just lying and fanning some flames, the league is unfortunately vulnerable to this criticism because, well, a lot of key games have shown some heavy foul discrepancies in recent years.

In yesterday's Game Five, with Boston leading the series 3-1 and L.A. leading the game by about 12 points, Boston went on a run- helped along the way by a whole lot of foul calls- to tie the game.

Conspiracy theorists usually assign two motives to suspect NBA referees- either keeping a game close or keeping a series close.

That's what makes the LA-BOS game five interesting. When a lot of fouls are called in the fourth quarter, the refs make the individual game close- exciting!- at the risk of letting the celtics win and finishing off a highly-rated finals in just five games- not so great!

And of course, allegations of nba ref-cheating usually involve one marquee team getting a fair advantage over a less glamorous team. But here we've got the two bluest-blooded franchises in the whole sport.

So this leaves an interesting question. If we go ahead and pretend, for curiosity's sake, that all of the ref-manipulation stories are true, and the league Does enforce their secret preferences for the outcome of the games… who do they want to win this series? Who's the stronger story- Boston's Big Three and their vintage march to the 17th banner, or the Hollywood glow of the Lakers and their perpetually almost-beJordaned MVP?

Celtics, Lakers. If David Stern gets to choose, who wins the trophy?

T-minus Twenty weeks

we'll try to post this each monday or tuesday. from fivethirtyeight.com, an endlessly interesting, valuable website for those of us following this election.



for the record, the only state in which obama is projected as having a Zero percent chance of winning is Utah. I've long contended that Utah is the worst state in the union, and this is just more fuel to my fire.

The Wednesday Image

classic rivalry

last night was game 1 of Lakers-Celtics, the revival of the NBA's most legendary matchup. simultaneously, Hillary's withdrawal at last leaves us with the most compelling general-election matchup in about a half century, Obama v. McCain.

on that note, I expect the Obama vs. McCain election to play out like a one-on-one game between Magic Johnson and Bob Cousy. In 1987.

Hillary's ugly victory

At least we've approached the end of the Clinton-Obama deathmatch, with Obama emerging victorious.

Since the beginning I've rooted for Obama, for all the basic reasons- his freshness, intelligence, judgment, the inspiration factor and so on. One principle I especially believed in was that he was more electable than Hillary.

"We can't present a candidate who's already hated by half the country," I argued. "We need to go with Barack because he can reach a lot of people that Hillary can't."

Months later, I started checking out the electoral breakdowns- and pretty surprisingly, Hillary looks like she's in Much stronger position for a general election victory.

Obviously I still expect Obama to win big when it's all said and done, but it's worth asking. Why do the rubrics look so much stronger for Hillary right now?


Basically, months ago it seemed clear that the key voters were independents and repentant republicans.

So you see libertarian types in western states or traditionally conservative states say, "Bush really sucks, and I hate the Clintons- but Obama seems like a decent guy." and these states consistently gave obama huge primary victories (Idaho, NC, etc) and/or figure hugely into his November map- Virginia, Colorado.

These Obama>McCain>Clinton voters are a legitimate bloc.

The ugly victory of Hillary's campaign is her successful creation of a Clinton>McCain>Obama bloc.
Through a months-long parade of character assassination, beer swilling and race baiting, she's cultivated the oft-blogged-about "white working class" voters. And perhaps she's always had their support, but there's no doubt that her vocal and brutal campaign has furthered the alienation of these folks from Obama. Obama gets the indies, Hill gets the blue dogs.

And unfortunately, the states where the C>M>O demographic reign supreme- ohio, pennsylvania, michigan- carry a lot more electoral weight than the states of Obama's coalition.

terry mcauliffe

This Terry McAuliffe guy is remniscent of a more corrupt, more misguided version of Baghdad Bob.

The Wednesday Image