The final part in our series, the 2008 NBA Draft, if the entrants were America's presidents, evaluated by their character in office and their athletic abilities throughout life.
The thirty picks of the Draft are available here.
These are the Presidents who, unfortunately, just can't make it onto an NBA roster:
READY FOR THE D-LEAGUE
Benjamin Harrison- Ben's got a short, muscular frame, like top-ten pick U.S. Grant. The big difference though is that Harrison is a psychologically fragile, cold-shouldered guy who doesn't give his all on the court or in the oval office.
Herbert Hoover- he's got a strong work ethic but he's not the best teammate, plus it's gonna be hard for him to get up and down the court with his badly burned foot.
Andrew Johnson- decent height but questionable character.
John Tyler- He's thin, kindof slow, and often ill. His absurd number of children is Tyler's most NBA-calibre stat.
BETTER OFF COACHING
James Madison- one of our finest founding fathers is also pitifully, unfathomably tiny (by NBA standards). At 5'4" and 100 pounds, Madison is more likely to get dunked- not dunked on, but literally dunked through a basketball hoop- than make any helpful on-court contribution. But as a coach, Mad could be a hall-of-famer, as he's a brilliant guy and a real players coach- a man who understands the value of checks and balances in the locker room.
Woodrow Wilson- he’s smart but weak, unathletic, cold, and he’s definitely not gonna play well with any black teammates. He could be a decent coach for a small, ethnically homogenous college program. Maybe Princeton?
Richard Nixon- He’s smart and determined, but he’s also small, awfully unathletic and, of course, a legendarily bad teammate.
I can picture him coaching a young, disorderly team that needs a strict disciplinarian. Nixon could whip a team into shape for a year or two, but he better not stay too long, because he’s sure to bring drama, paranoia, and intense backlash wherever he goes.
NO FUCKING WAY
James Buchanan- He’s constantly sick, a bit of a sissy, and hopelessly indecisive. You don’t want the ball in Buchanan’s hands with the game on the line, and neither does he.
Franklin Pierce- Pierce might be the emotionally saddest President in history. He has intense emotional baggage and he's a big-time alcoholic. Not enough athletic talent for any GM to justify such a severe character gamble.
Warren G. Harding- Just like his Presidency, Harding's got height but nothing else to offer. He's got character issues, low confidence, and he's almost certain to gamble away any money he earns. It's a little too easy to picture him saying, "I am not fit for this league and never should have been here."
Grover Cleveland- Possibly the last person you'd want on a basketball court. He's fat, slow and easily angered.
William Howard Taft- fat.
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